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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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First off, I hit up Rua da Liberdade for my morning coffee. You know, the usual spot. The barista, Maria, she’s a legend. But today? She spills my coffee all over the counter. I’m like, “C’mon, Maria! I need that caffeine!” But she just laughs it off. I mean, I get it, it’s funny, but I’m still half-asleep and now I’m covered in cappuccino. Great start, right?

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